Dark Days!

This week has not been going well at all. Not only have I been in severe pain but I have gotten bad news from all the places that I was hoping was going to help me and my family. I am on state aid to help with food costs and on state aid medical as well due to I don't have a job. I will say I basically quit my job due to unable to take time off when needed to help with my chronic pain issue. I have not had a day without pain in four years. Its gotten to the point now I can't go a day without having pain and laying down to help it. I don't like to take pills in fact I get the pills and try not to take them as funny as it sounds its true. I feel that if I start taking them every day I will end up dependent on them or addicted to them then that will become another issue.
I have been told NO all week this week.
All my troubles started on Tuesday February 12, 2013. I got a email notice that there had been a change in my case with Department of Human Services for Calhoun Michigan. The change was they are going to close my case due to failure to give notice of my termination of employment. What they want is a letter from my job saying they let me go. Well that would be fine if I had one. I don't think they understand on how an online job works. There is no paper and no letters given only emails. They tell me it can't be an email it needs to be an letter. Really??? What if I can't get one then what??? They say well then your case will be closed for sure...  They tell me "You can type one up your self and we will look it over but still maybe declined due to not from your job". They tell me I am not self employed because I got paid from only one company so therefor I was an employee not self employed.. What??? I say "Then why do you want to see my income tax information which shows my self employment income and taxed income from my self employment?" I get a 1099 not a W-2 and I don't get pay check stubs I send them an invoices for the company to pay me. I ask why do you want this information if you don't follow it??? Its a government system to help the people in-need and you don't follow the same information as the IRS but yet you want to see this information why then if you don't follow it??? I mean really it make no sense to me. Our government is so flawed with issues its not even funny. If the IRS see me as self employed and long with my Stated income tax office, then why can't a state government agency also see me as self employed?? It can not be answered because they know its not right and they don't care. I am just one less they have to worry about. Well I am planning to make sure every one who is self employed under the poverty level can still get help and not make it so stressful to get the help they need. My family is at risk of being without food and support for medical and its all because of paper work I can't get and have no way of getting.
The next day I get a letter in the mail from Social Security and they declined my claim for help as well. They say I can still work. Really??? I can't go a day without wishing to just lay down and die and yet I can work. They have no clue how much pain I am in and at the same the time again they don't care.
I am sick to death of trying all the time to getting no where in life. I am up for surgery in one months time and I won't be able to have it due to my case will be closed with DHS due to lack of paper work turned in on time that I don't have. So bye bye chances of a better life, the pain and I will be friends for life.
My depression has gotten so bad I don't even want to leave my house in fear of more bad news. I hate me so much any more I feel like its a battle to even look at my self in the mirror I am so ashamed of me. I have gained weight due to lack of movement due to I am in pain all the time. I am sick to death of this life. I have two children and if it weren't for them I may have killed myself by now. I love my children and would do any thing for them. I love my boyfriend too but he too has hard time in believing I am in pain and listening to me about it.
I care for them and mask the pain I have. People are sick to death of hearing my issues. My family pushes me away sometimes due to they don't want to hear my cries over things they can't help any further. They can't help my pain, they can't help me with a letter of termination and they can't help me fight Social Security. So why tell them things any more??? I only have myself to talk too and I am sick to death of me so now what?? Hell I am typing this and no one reads this shit... I am the only one who looks at this blog. So I guess this will be last time I write on this too cause its not helping me out any more. Its just sad to see only me on here. Really I only have me who cares any more about this... Kids we are on our own to make it.

Pelvic Pain too Young

  I have recently been diagnosed with Chronic Pelvic Pain disorder. Doctors are not sure what the cause of the pain is but they are trying different types of treatments to help with the pain. I also have severe incontinence which is treatable with surgery. In my life I have had two children and one of them was a long delivery whether or not that could have caused an issue later on in life is not clear. So here I am at the young age of 33 and about to have bladder sling surgery and then they want to place a pacemaker on my nerves to help control my bladder. Its not clear these surgeries will help with the pain but they can help with other issues I am having. With that said it is not the reason I went to these doctors in the first place. I wanted help with my pain and make it so I no longer suffer. I am not one to have surgery for the hell of it and just allow any old quake to open me up. However the pain is never the same all the time. Some days it feels like I am about to have another baby and other times its dull but still there. Its a nightmare due to I feel no one really understands how I feel. They say surgery will only help partly. Well what about the rest of the issues?  They think I may just may be depressed and they put me on pills for that as well. I still feel no change to my mood and I still have the pain. Its like having a conversation with myself when it comes to talking with health care providers they ask me the same questions every time. The answers never change they type my answers into the computer and yet they still go over all the same things every time I see them. No answers can be given just more pills to take and more surgeries they can try. You start to feeling like you are losing your mind after you see everyone who can  help with the condition and still nothing else can be done. I am currently going to physical therapy and there has been no change. Not sure any thing can help me at this point other then death. This pain did not just come on its been going on for over 4 years now. I have not talked about this pain much in over the years due to I did not want to become a guinea pig of medicine. I feel that is what I have become a guinea pig. I was told by one doctor there is no cure for this and I could be dealing with this for the rest of my life. All I could think is  "Who the hell wants to live in this pain for the rest of their life? I sure don't." This is not how I wanted the rest of life to go on like; taking pill after pill to make it through the day. Half the time I don't even take the pills because the doctors don't like to hand out pain pills to people. So I try to make the bottles last months when really it could only last me weeks. Lately I have been wanting to just give up on this battle, they call this depression; I call it just don't want to deal with the pain any more. There is an example of what the pain is like image having a knife in your pelvic you can't remove. No matter what you do you are in pain. Standing makes it hurt, walking makes it hurt, running you can't even bare to think about it it hurts so bad, and sex forget about it your better off becoming a nun.  If there is any one out there who is dealing with same thing I would love to hear from you. I need to know I am not alone in this battle for a better life. Please leave comments for me, ask questions or talk to me on how you deal with your pain.